I’ve been looking for jobs near my hometown in Ontario. The one below caught my eye. I wonder whether an online job bank is an appropriate venue to advertise such an occupation. I’ve added my own comments in italics.

Job Advertisement

Job Search Safety Advice

 E-mail this Job

Job Number: 4403831

Title: Monk (Buddhist Monk) (NOC: 4217)

Terms of Employment: Temporary, Full Time, On Call, Overtime, Weekend, Day, Evening

Salary: $15,327.00 Yearly for 40 hours per week, Medical Benefits (I wonder if you can clock out at 5, take off your robe, cease the chanting, and commute home?)

Anticipated Start Date: As soon as possible

Location: London, Ontario (2 vacancies )

Skill Requirements:

Education: Completion of college/CEGEP/vocational or technical training

Experience: 2 years to less than 3 years (It’s always the same with Monk gigs. You need experience to get hired, but you’ve got to be a monk to get experience.)

Languages: Read English (Speaking not required I guess.)

Type of Establishment Experience: Religious establishment

Specific Skills: Assist at services of public worship and religious rites, Provide religious education, spiritual guidance and moral support, Administer programs providing food, clothing and shelter

Work Location Information: Staff accommodation available (Probably not as luxurious as you would think)

Essential Skills: Reading text, Oral communication, Working with others, Job task planning and organizing

Other Information:Shelter and food will be provided

Employer: Khmer Buddhist Serey Sou Sdey Temple

How to Apply:

Please apply for this job only in the manner specified by the employer. Failure to do so may result in your application not being properly considered for the position.

By Mail:

2489 Fanshawe Park Road
London, Ontario
N5X 4A1

Business Profile: Buddhist Temple

Advertised until: 2009/07/24

This job advertisement has been provided by an external employer. Service Canada is not responsible for the accuracy, authenticity or reliability of the content

…

I, for one, was unaware that “Monk” was a salaried position… How desperate for monks do you have to be to advertise monk openings to shmucks like me that peruse these boards? Would you convert to Buddhism for $15,327 a year? Maybe…what with this economy and all…

Only about a month remains between me and the conclusion of my one-year contract teaching English at a technical high school in Seoul.

The most difficult thing about leaving this country, aside from kimchi withdrawal sweats, will be the loss of some close Korean friends. I’ve been fortunate to spend the last 3 years living away from my home in Canada. I’ve had countless horizon-widening experiences, and absorbed a great deal of culture. The only difficult side-effect of my time floating around abroad has been the untimely loss of developed personal relationships. More on floating objects a bit later.

I’m really going to miss an English co-teacher I call Sally. I knew she was unique during my first month at the school, when she was adamant in convincing me that the word “wrist” was actually pronounced “riced”:

Wrist, what’s that? It’s pronounced “riced”. Rhymes with ”sliced”. Let me call my uncle in California. Maybe wrist is a Canadian pronounciation?

I’d also like to thank her for teaching me that in Korean, wrist is “son-mok”, which can translated as “hand-neck”. For good measure, ankle is “ppal-mok”, which can be translated as “foot-neck”. During basketball I sprained the ol’ hand-neck … just sounds better to me.

As a young child, Sally took vengeance on any elderly Koreans that treated her poorly. She describes getting payback on a grouchy ajummah in her neighbourhood:

There was this woman that wasn’t nice to me. I didn’t like her, so while she was away one day I went into her house, and peed on one of her shoes. Another time, the lady was washing her clothes downstream in the river near our house. My brother and I seized the opportunity by using the floating property of recently ex-communicated human waste to our advantage. Actually, that was the first time I realized that those kinds of gifts float, and could be sent downstream to play havoc on a seemingly innocent day of laundry.

Kids will be kids.

The Jeju Island Mini Theme park is so biased. What is with that place? My technical high school bus trip rumbled into its parking lot on a cold, rainy morning. The students and I unenthusiastically dragged ourselves off of our seats and forced our feet to carry our bodies through the turnstiles.

The park is full of these tiny replicas of famous human creations - the Eiffel Tower is there, the Pyramids are there, the Great Wall of China is there … 42 buildings from Korea that no one has ever heard of are there.

There is also a pen containing several white deer – an animal that is special to Jeju because of the following legend (as taken from the display at the park):

“Long time ago, there lived a young hunter at the foot of Mt. Halla. Being a devoted son of filial piety, his wish was bringing his ailing mother back to health. One day, he heard form a traveler that a deer’s blood is the bast medicine for his mother’s illness. The next morning, the hunter rose early, bathed in the nearby stream and set out on his hunt for a deer. Having wandered all day searching for a deer, before he knew it, he had reached the top of Mt. Halla. There was a thick fog at the top of the mountain so it was difficult to see. However, he did not give up and finally he discovered a deer. It was a white deer. Ecstatic and excited, he pulled on his bow and arrow, but just as he was about to release his arrow, a white haired man appeared, grabbed the beer (!), and disappeared into the fog white the deer in his arms.”

Blah, blah, blah, young hunter of filial piety saves mother with water from white deer pond, yada yada yada, etc.

Reading this inscription made me wonder several things. Firstly, I had to question the levels of my own filial piety. I believe that my filial piety may be severly lacking. I also questioned the verbosity of the signage, which could have been shortened to this as far as I can tell:

Momma’s boy overheard that blood from a wild animal would cure his mom and not, in fact, give her rabies. Momma’s boy almost kills deer, but homeless old man storms from the forest and steals his beer. And his deer.

No wonder this deserved a display at the Jeju Mini Theme Park!

Lastly, this entire spectacle made me wonder what Arirang Television’s “On the Road” would have to say about The Legend of the White Deer:

Narrator: The dense fog clung tightly to the stark mountain like an undersized sweater. Filial piety was in the air, as was a hint of desperation. The only kind that can come from a hunt for the blood of a wild, possibly infectious animal. As I allowed the majesty of the scene to massage my eyes, I couldn’t help but wonder where that old guy had come from.

Young Hunter, Staring at Mountain: Come back with … my beer. And … my deer.

Having survived Halla Mountain on Jeju Island, my technical high school trip moved on to the beach. As we made our way through the sand, my co-teacher warned me that the students may attempt to toss me into the salty water. At the time it didn’t sound like a good idea.

But as the students began to throw each other in and play around in the water, I had a change of heart. I figured that they would enjoy getting a little revenge on me for subjecting them to all those hours of incomprehensible English lessons. And so I removed my shoes and socks and mosied around near the water. I was a sitting duck.

It didn’t take too long for a few students to take advantage of my vulnerability. Okay that sounded bad. Anyways, 6 of them grabbed me, picked me up, and herded me into the sea. I tried to act really, really mad. When I was back on dry land, a student accidentally kicked mud into my eye. As I wandered half-blind back to the water to wash it out, I was ambushed by 6 different students and received a second dunking. I didn’t have to try as hard this time to act mad … And I was a bit relieved when the students’ attention moved to a particularly dainty female teacher. She was the next to go.

Before we left, I gazed out at the swirling waters, and imagined what Arirang television’s On the Road would have to say:

The salty turquoise waters seemed to wave goodbye to me as they lapped up against the parched, rocky beach. I knew that they would miss me – but in my heart of hearts I also realized that they would always have a friend to whisper to: God. The majesty of the scene brought 4 tears to my eye, and I swallowed each of them in succession to regain my strength. I couldn’t help but remember once again that the sea I wistfully gazed upon was mostly composed of God’s tears.

Man staring at water: As deep … as the understanding … of Buddha.

There it was – glorious Halla Mountain … spread out before us on a chilly, overcast morning. All 2000 or so metres of her (the highest peak in Korea). And my brain was not letting me forget about the staff party from the night before – the inside of my skull was as cloudy as the skies above.

I left off having arrived on Jeju Island, Korea. I would be a chaperone on a school trip with approximately 350 grade 10 Technical High School students. On the first morning of the trip I faced an intimidating task – my first attempt at scaling a peak.

My mood was lightened by the t-shirts of my students:

“Marc Jacobs & Robert Duffy would like to say LOS ANGELES for getting naked”.

“Why is the woman getting tired”?

“I detest the thought of speaking English, but I want it all over every t-shirt I own.”

The Hallasan hike was a marathon: 4 hours of pain straight up, straight across, and then straight down. At 2000 metres the sky that we were now in disappeared, replaced by dense fog and punishing wind. I could only imagine what the narrator from Arirang TV’s ”On the Road” might have said about this scene:

The smoky, whispy clouds seemed to dance against the harsh mountain backdrop… players in a delirious Shakespearean drama. I couldn’t help but be swallowed up by its endless, infinite tranquility and splendour. My eyes, unable to comprehend the bountiful beauty before them, almost turned to gold. I realized once again that on the first day, God created Korea.

Man staring at mountain: As menacing … as the iron fist … of Zeus.

Are there people out there that watch Arirang TV in Korea? Aside from CNN, it’s the only channel I get that broadcasts primarily in English, so on occasion I tune in. I enjoy the daily ”Let’s Speak Korean” program- it’s a quick way to pick up a few fun Korean expressions every day.

There is one show on Arirang that I rate very high on the unintentional comedy scale – “On the Road”. As far as I can tell, it’s a Korean tourist program featuring slightly overweight white guys running rampant around Korea making asses of themselves. But the real comedy comes from the show’s ridiculously over-the-top narration.

The logo on the show’s homepage gives you an idea: “On The Road..this program introduces you to relatively unknown yet amazingly charming tourist destinations in Korea”.

From a recent episode depicting Gangneun and the East Sea:

Narrator: The emerald sea harmonized perfectly with the lush green mountain. Sun rays reflecting in the sparkling water made the ocean dazzle. Taking in the picturesque view, I realized yet again that God is the most talented artist of all, having created this most beautiful masterpiece called ….. nature.

Man staring at ocean: As vast … as the imagination … of God.

I can’t quite tell if this show is attempting to be comedic, because it’s just not funny, or if they really do take Korean tourism this seriously.

If you ever happen to stumble across “On the Road” (just one part of the Arirang 24 hour Korea Promoganda Machine), watch for an odd, slightly overweight white man named Andrew Brand. He’s Jim Carrey without the humour. Picture Rob Schneider, and then take a few steps back. On the Gangneung episode he observes an open-air fish tank and exclaims “I want to dive in and get to know them and their world“! He then proceeds to shake hands with a crab and use a fish as a telephone: “Yoboseyo?”. The hilarious hijinks never stop!

I can’t imagine what anyone was thinking when they casted this guy, but it certainly helps to explain this.

If you want to see what I mean, you can enjoy some of the heartwarming, breathtaking, vomit-inducing hyperbolic episodes of “On the Road” here.

The following will appear as my closing essay to my students in our school’s newspaper.

My time at this technical high school is quickly coming to an end. My one-year contract is up – in August I will return to Canada. Next semester you will probably have a new Native Teacher. Be kind to them.

However, my last days at your school have been very memorable. I really enjoyed the Summer festival and my trip to Jeju Island.

The summer festival showed me that there are many extremely talented students at our school – I encourage all of you to pursue your passions and chase your dreams. I also was surprised to see all of the female dance groups performing at the festival – your programme was much “sexier” than the one at my school. Who says Korea is conservative? I hope you enjoyed my appearance as a woman and my singing of “Shabang Shabang” – I hope you also know that I was very scared to do those things. My philosophy: do two things a week that scare you to truly live.

My trip to Jeju was great – I got to see more of your beautiful country, and I had a good chance to interact with many of you and chat in English. I appreciate that most of you have an open mind towards speaking with me, even though I know it’s challenging. Remember that English conversation can open up your world.

Lastly, I want to talk about the cultural differences between my school in Canada and this high school. For me it boils down to two factors: the importance of studying, and how the students are treated. In my high school we placed much less emphasis on studying and memorizing. High school was a time to learn how to balance learning, part-time jobs and demanding extracurricular activities. I worked at several jobs, maintained a car, played on several competitive teams and clubs, and had to find time to get good grades so I didn’t fail. But I had never heard of standardized tests like the KSAT. My idea is that Canadian boys learn to become adults in high school, while Korean boys are treated like children in high school. Perhaps you become men in the military?

In the end, I want to thank you for welcoming me into your school for one year. I tried to learn as much as you did in my class. I now know that the kindest students in the world are here in Korea.

An English teaching associate of mine sent me quite the message detailing the reasons why she won’t be continuing working with SMOE after her year contract. It’s an interesting read. Keep in mind that her situation is HER situation and does not necessarily reflect a general opinion. Every SMOE work placement is different. That said, I can identify with many of her complaints.

I’m not leaving Korea. I’m leaving SMOE. As a certified, experienced high school English teacher from Canada, I am finding this job to be an insult to my qualifications and experience. I took this job thinking that it would be a good way to do what I love while indulging in another interest: travel.

I have many reasons for leaving that have been building up over time, but when it came to vacation days, that was the last straw. But let me start at the beginning.

1. I started at my school completely isolated from the staff. I was stashed away in my classroom because they thought I would like that more. I was introduced to my coteachers, and that was it. I was not introduced to anyone else at my school, so now when my new coteacher asks me about teachers, I have no idea who he is even talking about. Talk about welcoming a new staff member.
2. My coteachers were lovely, BUT. Yes, but. They confronted me one day in mid October telling me I was teaching the wrong lesson. Yes, I was AHEAD in the textbook. Instead of telling me they spend 3 weeks on each lesson, they assumed I magically knew, but let me teach 2 lessons ahead of where they were and then told me that the students didn’t understand. Well, I don’t really see how that’s my fault.
3. It was smooth sailing for a while, until the new term started. I was told that I would now be sharing my classroom (I had to argue to get a desk in the office) with the nurse teacher. No problem, I said. Well, there was a problem when I showed up on the first day of class and she had taken all my stuff and thrown it in a disorganized pile in a cabinet. When I asked her where it was, she told my coteacher that she had to move my “mess” (piles of papers? How is that a mess?) and when I expressed my frustration, I was berated for my “anger” towards her. I explained the difference between frustration and anger but my co didn’t get it. So I just caved and apologized. Nurse teacher has since told me in a tone of voice like I was a simpleton and/or a bad child that I’m not allowed to leave a pile of scrap paper in the classroom, she’s taken down all my bulletin boards and replaced them with her own, and has hidden my class schedule under hers, because apparently mine in English is unsightly. Has she been berated for her behaviour towards me? Not in the slightest. I’ve also had racist remarks made about me to the STUDENTS by one of the PE teachers, and had a drunk coworker insult me and foreigners, throw an unlit cigarette at me, and tell me to come sit in his lap. Was he berated for this shockingly racist and sexist behaviour? Of course not. I, however, was for telling a coworker that I was unhappy that she threw my resources in a heap and didn’t ask or tell me where they were.
4. I was told that I am not allowed to correct the student’s behaviour. I told them that when students are shoving me around when I’m trying to break up a rowdy playfight in the middle of class and the coteacher is not paying attention, I am damn well going to tell them to stop it. Since this discussion, I have sunken into total apathy when it comes to bad behaviour. They want to allow it, I”m not going to argue, but just count the days until I’m done teaching.
5. General feelings of being a resource or a puppet instead of an actual teacher have been really driving me towards the job search. The system that SMOE has created for public school ESL teachers is really flawed. I’m made to feel that it’s my fault when the students don’t understand me, when in fact some of my coteachers (mostly the 3 subs I’ve had this year, my regular coteachers are actually quite good at their jobs) don’t translate or help me in any way, including with discipline, even though I was told I should leave the discipline/correcting bad behaviour to the coteachers.
6. My district is trying to breach my contract by telling my school that I cannot take my home leave that is in my contract until winter. I said “it’s in the contract.” After a discussion with my coteacher where I outlined the days I could go home (there’s no reason I can’t leave from August 3-22, I won’t be teaching then anyways) he told me that they’d give me their “final decision” after the renewal process is done. It is now June 17. The chances of me getting a good flight home after SMOE takes their sweet time dealing with the process are slimmer by the day. My coteacher thinks I’ve just resigned myself to the fact that I’m going home in winter. Instead, I’ve applied for other jobs and have been offered an amazing position with a Canadian run private school in one of the commuter suburbs.

SMOE has made a comment that they want to hire more experienced, certified teachers. I am both of these things and am disgusted with the way they run this operation. I would not stand for this treatment in any country, regardless of cultural differences. If they want professionals, they need to be prepared to treat us like professionals

Last week I went on a 4 day class trip with my Technical High School to Jeju Island. It’s an island off the south coast of Korea. I joined around 300 Grade 9 students and approximately 15 teachers. I have never talked more garbage English in my life. “Yes yes you are the Sexy King! Oh I know, bad smell, bad smell. He is so bad smell. Teacher teacher, he is bienna! (brand of sausage, also Korean slang referring to the unfortunate condition of having a small penis)

Our group flew out of Gimpo airport in Seoul, and I took the subway alllll the way from Dongdaemun Stadium downtown to get there. It took around an hour and twenty minutes, but it certainly is the cheapest option. I also was fortunate to have the company of two students that I randomly met while I was waiting for the train. The debasing of my English fluency had begun.

The flight from Gimpo Airport took about 50 minutes, but it felt like 2. I was riding a major high after being told by the stewardess that I bore a striking resemblance to a certain actor named Leonardo di Caprio. Take that all you girls who ignored me in high school. Korea can do wonders for the average white man’s self-esteem, and can re-affirm what one’s mother has told them all along.

Having landed on Jeju, we loaded on to 9 buses, made a quick stop at a museum, and moved on to our lodging – Natural Park Resort. Prior to the trip I had made it known that I “cannot under any circumstances” sleep Korean style – on a mat in a roomful of other mat-sleepers. And while I certainly can sleep in that manner, after the last school trip where I got caught in a major snore competition, I thought that there was no harm in asking. And lo and behold I got my own room, with a bed and my own shower. My students were worried that I would be lonely, but as it would turn out, the evil PA system blasting orders and K-Pop at all hours would be sufficient company.

To be continued…

I have two weeks of actual teaching left. Then comes final exams, movie time, and summer camp. This week we’re talking about friends – I introduce the students to some of my friends via powerpoint, and then ask them to introduce me to some of theirs, using a form. The funniest example wins a tweety pop.

Here’s a tweety-pop winner from a class today:

Friend 1

Name: Mr. Park

From: Africa

Interests: Weak-mined child, deformity

Personality: Noisy

Quirk: Korean white cabbage hair

Nickname: A rhinocerous